Final Entry

After having this site for over a year, I feel it is not really effective at helping and haven’t made many connections. It has been something that I felt was needed and that I was called to do, but now I feel as though it is time to focus on other things.  I will not be writing anything else at this time. Though at some point, I might start writing again. I am going to focus all my energy on the ministries I know I am making a difference in right now. You can always message me  if you would like or if you ever need to talk.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Blessings to all,

Mary

Don’t Hurt Others With Your Hurt

So many people who are hurting want to take their pain and hurt and lash out at the world. They use it as an excuse to attack everyone around them. They may not want to admit that they are doing this, but so often they are. What they don’t realize is that they are not alone. There are so many other people hurting. Often the very people they are attacking are dealing with hurts of some kind themselves. They don’t realize that their attacks only serve to hurt others further and cause pain. We can be so blinded by our own hurts that we refuses to see a broken and desperate world around us or we can use our hurts, mistakes, pains ect to try to love those around us as best we can. It is not always easy to love this broken world. Especially with our own broken imperfections, but I believe as we live our lives we are given tools to help us through. Our life tools, should we choose to use them, give us a unique ability to understand people and love them right where they are at without judgement or persecution.  So when we are feeling angry, and wounded like an animal looking for a prey to attack maybe we should step back and look at it from a different light. If that prey is already in sight and you already have your attack planned, maybe you should look at it from another angle and decide if you are about to say/do what you have planed with the right heart or is it birth out of underlying pain you need to deal with. Maybe you need another  approach. Maybe that person needs love and comfort just as bad as you? Who knows?

What Do We Do With Our Wounds??

Life is messy and we all have our share of troubles no matter how perfect we may seem to be on the outside. We live in a world that wants to pretend all is well, but we all know it is not. The problem with living in a world like this is no one wants to step out and be real. No one wants to admit they hurt or have screwed up. We most certainly don’t want to admit it to all those around us who have it all together. If we are honest with ourselves we know no one has it all together, but because they act like they do you don’t feel you can be real with them.

If we are to be Jesus to those around us doesn’t that mean we need to be real and raw? Doesn’t that mean we need to be the person that someone else can see how God has brought use through that pain and mess and has us in a better place. Even if we are walking through that pain and in the middle of a war zone we need to be able to be real.

I believe live is like a school. We go to college to be lawyers, doctors and teacher so we can have specific knowledge in those areas to help others in those subjects or use the skills learn to help others. Why are the life lessons any different? Ok, so we have a choice in the careers we choose most of the time, but not so much on the life lessons many times.

My point is we can choose to take those hard lessons in life and be bitter for ever or we can use them to in some way to help others and glorify God to the best of our ability. In other words if you have gone through divorce then you have some insight into the hurt and pain of others who are gong through one. If you have a history of drug abuse you understand the struggles of breaking free. If you have lost a loved one in a tragic way, you have a glimpse into another’s life when they go through this.

What does all this mean? It means no two people’s hurts and the way they process them are ever the same. That said there is a certain amount of comfort and strength that can be offered when you can come along side someone facing a trial and you have gone through one in the same category.  Every loss, divorce, hurt and struggle is different, but there are parts of the journey that are similar. Just knowing you have someone who has walked that road before you and can listen without judgement can do wonders.

This is what it means to be a wounded healer. Being able to share your story with others to the point that they are comfortable trusting you with theirs. Being able to reach a point with your story that you can share it not bleed it. I want to share with you my walk through many struggles and hurts and how God has helped me over come them. How I have moved from a point of anger, bitterness, and depression to a point where I can reach out to others. I am not always in a good place and am far from an example. I just want to share my life lessons and help you share yours. We all have a story and have been given strength to share with those around us in community. Will you be a part of the community and share?

Love and Hugs,

Mary

Be Still And Know

newSometimes you just need to stop, be still and know He is God. I have my ups and downs as we all do and this last week I was reminded of why God created the Sabbath.  It is too easy to get busy and feel like the world will just stop if I stop. When you have faced hurts or losses sometimes you just need a little time to be still and reflect on God’s goodness. It was so amazing to see that even when I am still God is still working and that it is ok for me to stop and take care of me every once and a while.

Final goodbye to my father…

I have struggled for over a month since my father died on 9/11/13 with how to find closure. Not being able to go to the funeral or be a part in anyway has been very difficult. I am finally coming to a place where I can peacefully share a little of my heart about him and maybe this is my way of closure.

Final words to say about my father. Well, he was an honest man and a very hard worker. His heart belonged to the land at Keechi where he grew up. I have fond memories and some not so fond memories of him. I remember waking up every morning before school and watching “Tom and Jerry” and “The Three Stooges”. I remember fun times sitting in front of the TV playing hair dresser and rolling his hair. Oh the life with two daughters. On Easter it was his job to keep me in the house and not let me peek. He would alway tell me where a few eggs were and it was our little secret. As I got older I remember spending my visitation weekends with him playing cards and listening to old country music. He liked to call the song ” Battle of New Orleans” by Johnny Horton in as a request to me and I would call “The Cattle Call” by Eddy Arnold in to him. We even did this on some weekends that we were apart just to let each other know we were thinking about the other. My father was set in his ways and we had many things we did not agree on. As I said I had good and bad memories. Though we had not talked in nine years I kept holding out hopes that we would get a chance to once again make some happy memories. Now that chance is gone and I will not get to ever make any more memories with him again. I am left with only the memories I do have. I can live in the past and dwell on what I did not have. I can dwell on the negative memories or the positive ones. At this point in my life I must choose to focus on the good and move on, letting go of the bad and letting go of that which I did not have or do not understand. Letting go of the hurts, hopes, dreams, and tears of the past. Focusing on God and His goodness, knowing He never wastes a hurt. Also knowing that though I do not understand these pains, hurts, and losses right now, He sees the big picture and someday this too will make me a stronger wounded healer.

God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Old Pains Die Hard…

Hurt is hurt no matter what. You can have hurts that happen to you and think you are so okay with them and then someone opens the closet door and it all comes crashing down on you. Our hurts become a part of us and no matter who you are they will always be there. It is how we choose to manage them that matters the most. I don’t know because I am no expert, but I know what has happen to me and how I have had to deal with my pain. Sometimes if it is someone hurting you than you have to reach a point when you say I love you and will pray for you, but I just don’t want anything else because the cost is too high. This is my case with my father who wants nothing to do with me. I can choose to keep hurting myself by trying and by allowing my family to tell me every time he is sick and I feel bad because I can’t be there for him or I can say I am here if he ever wants me, but until than I will just pray a general prayer for him and would prefer not to know what is going on with him. Sometimes you just have to say it is too much for me to think about and I will put that in God’s hands. Like I have been resolved that we are not having kids and I am ok with that. Then I see my husband with a baby and hear him say he would have done anything to have had that and it make me revisit this subject like maybe I have been too closed-minded. I can think and think and think about he wants kids, he does not, we would be good parents, we would not. The truth is that it is not in my hands and I need to just let go and give it to God He is the only one who knows. Anyway these can be old hurt that you have to face and continue to have the deal through them. Praying you are all blessed as you walk through you trials and God holds you close.

Mary

Painful Blessings!!

I write this blog for hurts and healing because I want to share my journey through healing as I walk through the trials life has given me. I have recently had and old wound ripped open and have been bleeding out from it. Most of the time I talk about the loss of my babies and have only shared bits and pieces about my child hood. The wounds I am talking about today date back to childhood and pre-marriage. I have always struggled to see the good in my childhood and the good in why I had to go through so many hurts. I spent my teen years being abandon off and on not ever really knowing the love of a parent. In my family there was no forgiveness only bitterness and anger. All it took was saying or doing one wrong thing and my dad disowned me. I will not say I am blameless only that as a child/young adult growing up if anyone should be able to show you forgiveness it should be your parents. I won’t even go into the pain and abuse suffered at my step father’s hands other than the final time I saw my sister and dad was before I got married mostly because of a situation created by him. My ex-step father had to act a fool and get me all emotional about my mom, who I thought I had to protect and could not risk letting him isolate me from her, causing me to change my wedding plans from no one would walk me down the aisle at my wedding to he would. My dad and sister decided this was the unforgivable sin on my part and cut all ties with me. In the last ten years I have questioned God many times why this had to be this way. I have tried to make a mends with no response other then if I love them leave them alone. I had come to a place of peace with this situation, so I thought. Last month I was faced with it head on. I was informed by a family member that my father was in the same town as me in the hospital. She said she would ask him if he wished to see me. The answer I received was “I would not want to risk seeing her as we might not get along”. I thought I was okay with whatever happened on this subject and thought I had made peace a long time ago. That denial ripped my heart open and brought back all feelings of abandonment. For the last month I have struggled to regain my composer from this. I have question God even harder about why me and why was I so undesirable? What did I do so wrong that God would deny me my dad, sister and kids? I ask God if I was that bad of a monster?

 

After a lot of soul searching and love from my family I realized something in all of this. Sometimes Gods greatest blessings are received through tears. The driving force of disappointment and hurt from my bio family is what made me strive to go to college in the first place. My determination not to be stuck in a dysfunctional family lead me to a much closer walk with God, I found my husband and ultimately my family. I found a family that loves me for me and who I can talk to about anything, anytime. I now have a family that will encourage me through my struggles. I may have lost a dad, but I gained the greatest Father in the universe, the one and only Father who can truly understand me and love me no matter what I do. The Father who taught me what love is. I may have lost one sister, but through my husband I have gained two brothers, a sister, and their wives/husband giving me a total of three brothers and three sisters. I gained a mother that I can talk to about anything and who will advise me just as if I were her own. I gained the love of my life, my husband ,who shows me unconditional love everyday.

 

Now in addressing the recent event on denial it has taken that denial to get me to realize I don’t need my bio dad or bio sister’s approval of my life. I can move on with my life and know I have tried to be a peace maker and they wanted no part of it. I don’t have to waste my life waiting and wondering if things will ever work out. Things have worked out just as they should. I have far greater blessings with a family who loves me despite my flaws. I can love them as well even in their flaws because we are real people being a real family. I can thank God that I don’t live in a family of bitter people who can’t forgive and don’t have the love of God in them. Romans 12:18-19 says “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written Vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord.” It goes on to basically say loving your enemy is what we are to do and leave the rest up to God, but it may not be always possible to live in peace with your enemy. In my case my peace is letting go and trusting them to God whatever that looks like. As for me it’s time I count my blessings and start looking forward and stop looking back at the past. I can honestly thank God that He did not answer my prayer as I see now it would only bring more heart ache. The best thing for me and my family is to leave it alone and God knows that. Thank God for unanswered prayers. I may have cried many tears over this, but I won’t any more. Sometimes our blessing are painful until we realize them.

 

Blessings to all may you not have to hurt so bad to find your blessings,

 

Mary

Morning The Child You Will Never Have

We all have our stories and hurts. We morn the children we have lost. Our heart aches to have them back here with us even though we know they are better off never knowing the pains of this world. Those hurts go so deep within our soul. There is a lot of other pains that can come with that loss. Past hurts can come up with all the emotions that are stirring around. I have talked about those a lot. Other kinds of hurts are processing new diagnosis of illnesses that you did not know you had or complications from pregnancy that will forever alter your health. In this you are not only grieving to loss of a baby, but you health as well. There is also the pain of being told it is not possible for you to have another child. Maybe your health won’t permit it, maybe surgeries had to take place in you last pregnancy complications that have closed that door now. You are now dealing with also grieving for any future children you might ever have had. That’s a lot to deal with.

There are tons of books out there to encourage you through these losses and hurts. What I have noticed though is that they all seem to end with she miraculously got pregnant and had a healthy baby or she adopted a baby and now is one big happy family or she already had a child so she does have a live child here with her. Now I am in no way saying that any of this lessens the pain of their losses. What I am saying is what encouragement is there for those who have not had a child yet and can’t short of a true miracle. What happens to us ladies who are facing a childless future? Adoption may not be much of an option due to finances ect.

Maybe you have just reached a point in your life where being a mommy was all you ever wanted to be, but you can step back now and look at your life and see it just is not going to work out. Maybe God has really called you in a different direction and you are realizing this. Does that mean you can’t grieve? Does that mean that even though you know in your heart of hearts it is your life plan to be childless that you can’t grieve? Not at all. Giving up the hope of adopting ect. Is no different then the couple who finally gives up trying to have their own child. It hurts and your heart breaks at the very thought even though you know it is what is best. You still morn that loss.

At some point you do move on though. There can be a happy ever after for you as well. You can find joy in life without kids. I believe this with all my heart as I am seeking it as I speak. It is not easy and your heart still yearns for that little one to call you mommy, but you can find joy in Christ and in loving others. I am not saying it is easy as I have not figured it out yet myself, but I want you to know if this is you that you are not alone on this road.

Blessings to you all,
Mary

Enemy Attacks on Us…Keeping the Courage Under Fire

In a hurting world such as today it is so hard to stay focused. It never ceases to amaze me that when God is moving in big ways or you think you got things figured out that is when the enemy comes in to kill, steal, and destroy. It breaks my heart to watch people come under attack and it is so destructive even in my life when it happens to me. Lately it seems many people I know who have such a heart for the Lord have been under attach along with myself and my family. It seems it has been one thing after another. What is so hard is when you wake up and realize you have been letting the enemy win. Hopefully, when you are under attach you can wake up soon enough that no real damage is done. It is heart breaking when you watch your friends and loved ones fighting this battle and know there is nothing you can do, but pray they don’t let depression, anger, or hurt take over, whatever the situation is. When in the middle of the chaos as I am now it is all I can do to continually remind myself to stay grounded to Christ and He will see me through. Everyday seems like an up hill battle to not be angry at the world because it seems as though everything in it is latterly against me and wants to hurt me or make me sick. It’s an up hill battle not to be depressed about what I don’t have and remind myself of what I do have. It is an up hill battle not to throw my hands up and want to quit whatever ministry or thing I am doing when things get tough or people start getting on my nerves. I have to remember God loves me and why I do what I do even if no one else gets it. There are days that I fail so bad I feel like I can never show my face in public again, but I am thankful for grace.  So I don’t know why I am writing this other that to say I am still struggling as I was a few weeks ago, but I have recognized it as an attack and am fighting back now. I am also noticing the attacks on my family and friends and am praying for them to stay strong too. God can and will see us all through if we trust in Him. It will all work out in the end we just don’t know how, but He does. Keep the courage even under fire.

Blessings to you all,

Mary

Song: The Change

The Change :

Garth Brooks

One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It’s like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm

And I hear them saying you’ll never change things
And no matter what you do it’s still the same thing
But it’s not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

This heart
Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It’s like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss

And I hear them saying you’ll never change things
And no matter what you do it’s still the same thing
But it’s not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone

I hear them saying you’ll never change things
And no matter what you do it’s still the same thing
But it’s not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me

What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me

A childhood favorite that reminded me no matter what bad things were going on in this world not to let them change who I was and what I believed in. You maybe just one person in a hurting world, but you can make a difference as long as you don’t let the world harden your heart.

 

Garth Brooks video: The Change on Vimeo